Classifieds

MAN, 47, desperately seeking advice on how to seal an inter-dimensional breach before we’re overrun by tentacled horrors. Ring Bristol Aquarium and ask for Terry as a matter of urgency. 

NOT A CULT seeking members for board game nights, Ultimate Frisbee tournaments, possibly more. Virgins preferred, no thick necks please. PO Box 666 

THEORETICAL PHYSICIST seeks cats for experiment. PO Box 11 (but I might not open it.) 

FOR SALE: Entire Universe. I need to create some space. Contact God. PO Box 0

QUALIFIED DOCTOR seeks participants for new medical trial. Must be comfortable with saws, electricity and the idea that you can’t make an omelet without dismembering a few corpses. Contact Victor at PO Box 12 

ARE YOU psychic? Prove it. Contact you know who at you know where. 

FOR SALE: Meat. Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies. PO Box 25

ODINSON SEEKING a misplaced hammer, dropped somewhere over Harrogate during a thunderstorm. If you consider yourself worthy, contact PO Box 6 

FOR SALE: psychic dog. Can read thoughts, is judgmental. Free to good Christian home. PO Box 19

FREE TO good home: haunted typewriter that kills anyone who tries to part with it. Urgent pickup wanted. Contact DaHSuHUIGggYgHgGhJnn 

EGYPTIAN COMPANY seeks embalmers for exciting new venture. Must bring own feather and scales and be willing to travel. NOT A PYRAMID SCHEME. PO Box 52

MAN SEEKING IT support to help him upload his consciousness into Smart Fridge for a prank. PO Box 101101 

ATLANTEAN MAN seeks other lost souls for journey back to the homeland. Strong swimmers a must. 

ARE YOU good at telling people what they want to hear? Astrologers wanted. PO Box 14

APE/MAN hybrid seeking new barber willing to do back and knuckle work. PO BOX 64

IS YOUR child’s behaviour turning heads? Contact Father Karras about an exorcism today. PO Box 36

WANTED: Builder willing to convert a basement, must be comfortable around dogs and have knowledge of secure doors and restraints. Bonus if completed before next full moon. PO Box 49

DEATH IS not the end. Never be without that beloved pet/spouse again. Contact Terry’s Taxidermy PO Box 14

LOVELINES

QUEEN VICINAGOTH from the planet Narple seek Earthling male worshipper with which to mate. No weirdos. Cathy Box 29

REINCARNATION OF Genghis Khan, the Great Khan of the Mongol Empire, seeks 5,000 women to breed with in order to re-establish his mighty bloodline. Ring Marsden Plumbing Supplies and ask for Darren — DO NOT LEAVE A MESSAGE IF A WOMAN ANSWERS THE PHONE!

MY NAME is John Doppler from Basingstoke, you are the 14-armed red-headed woman who appeared in my dream playing seven violins and a trumpet. Let’s make music together. PO Box 19

TIME-TRAVELLER seeks girl in a yellow hat he might make eye contact with on the train at some point next week. Meet me for coffee last Tuesday? PO Box 42

SHE-TROLL seeks mate ahead of three-month mating season. No moss-covered behemoths. I 21st Century Troll. 

ZOMBIE seeks brains, also good looks and personality. PO Box 95

SHORT MAN seeks women in red dress who caught my eye on Didsbury tram. I need you for a witness as I’m suing the clumsy guy with the umbrella. PO Box 11.