‘How do I know if my toddler is possessed?’

Hello and welcome to this week’s column. I put a shout out on Twitter yesterday on this topic and I was inundated with questions, so let’s dive in…

Margot Moonbeam Marks

My two-year old daughter refuses to eat anything but Monster Munch and those little plastic things that you find at the end of shoelaces. She also keeps escaping and throwing poops at next door’s Prius. Is it possible she is possessed by the devil?

@AConcernedMum234123

Dear Concerned Mum, 

Don’t worry this is all perfectly natural. Children often develop weird eating habits and the poo throwing is almost certainly a territorial instinct that manifests itself in many primates. I suggest getting the neighbour to throw a few poos back in her direction and seeing how she likes it. 

My son is a very well behaved and quiet four-year-old. He actually spends all of his time staring at me with a weird look on his face. 

Often, I wake up and he’s standing there doing it. We took him to church and he totally freaked out, kicking and screaming and speaking what sounded a bit like ancient Aramaic to my uncultured ear. Should I be worried?

@TerrifiedDaddy14 

Don’t worry TerrifiedDaddy14, this is perfectly normal behaviour. All religious services are incredibly boring for a child and at that age, a father is always the apple of his son’s eye. Children have an incredible capacity to pick up languages, he must’ve just turned the TV onto one of the many channels that broadcasts in Aramaic. 

Dear Margot,

Animals become terrified in my son’s presence, whining and cowering if he comes near. Every time we bring him out to the park, birds drop from the sky dead at his feet. If he gets angry it often coincides with violent thunderstorms and his father has been involved in nineteen near fatal accidents since I gave birth. Please help! 

@Damo’sMammy

Ha, honestly Damo’s Mammy, if I had a pound for every time I’ve heard this one. It’s probably a virus or just a phase he’s going through. Animals are always playing hijinks and I’m not in the least concerned about your husband’s little oopsies – new parents are always suffering from a lack of sleep so being a little clumsy is only to be expected.

Dear Margot, 

My son is a delight but he just does not find SpongeBob SquarePants funny. Should I worry? 

@HappyClappyNappy

Dear Happy Clappy Nappy, yes – your son is the spawn of Satan. You know what must be done or he shall surely bring about the end of days. 

Thanks for all the questions everyone, I hope that’s put your minds at rest a little.

The Stranger Times does not condone infanticide. 

We would also like to go one edition where we did not have to point this out — Vincent Banecroft, Editor.