Rounding up the flat earth issue

In an effort to address many readers questions about the flat-earth movement, we have invited Gary Grayling, head of IFEBA (the International Flat-Earth Believers Association) to answer your letters. We’ve received queries from all over the globe so without further ado, here is Gary to answer all your questions.

Hi guys and girls,

Gary coming at cha! 

Very excited to be here and thanks to the ST for giving me the chance to answer your queries and help spread some understanding about our beliefs that our so often dismissed by the MSP.

(Editor’s note: We asked for a clarification and Gary means mainstream press here apparently although we should point out that the Manchester Science Partnerships, Members of the Scottish Parliament and Metrological Software Providers Ltd have all made clear they think the Earth is definitely roundish.)

So let’s crack on with answering your letters.

 


 

Dear Gary, 

Is this a joke? 

Margaret Ealing,
Shropshire

Hi Margaret,

Thanks for the question and no, I can tell you with absolutely certainly, this is definitely not a joke. Great discoveries are often mocked and ridiculed in their time. Never forget Copernicus was condemned by the Catholic Church for daring to suggest that the Earth revolved around the sun. Now, admittedly, he was wrong about that, but they didn’t have the Internet in 1512. 

 


 

Dear Gary, 

Seriously, this is a joke isn’t it? 

Brad Wilson,
Alabama

Hi Brad,

No, it isn’t. Ask yourself, if the world was really round, then how come lakes don’t all pour out the sides?

 


 

Dear Gary, 

You’re a **** ******** and you and your ***** friends are ***** **** **** ***** ****. You need to go and ***** ***** **** rather than ***** **** *********. You total and utter ****** ****. 

Morgan Brown,
Oxford

Hi Morgan,

Thanks for the question. Unfortunately the editorial staff at the ST edited out all of what they called the ‘industrial language’ from your message so it is kind of hard to tell what your question is. Instead, let me take this opportunity to say to you, if the Earth is round then how come maps are flat? Think about it. 

 


 

Hi Gary, 

I was just wondering if the Earth is flat then how come we have no pictures of the waterfalls at the edge that you claim exist? Also, how come pilots don’t admit this. More importantly, who is benefitting from this massive conspiracy of epic proportions? 

Elaine Craven,
Sweden 

Hi Elaine, thanks so much for the query. To give you the simple answer, the Free Masons control 98% of all globe production and it is the world’s third biggest industry behind Hollywood and Starbucks. If they had to give a refund to all those unhappy customers they’ve had over the last few centuries, it would run into the bajillions, which isn’t even a real number.

Anyway guys, thanks so much for having me. I hope you’ve all learned something. Ultimately, remember – you’re all only figments of the director’s imagination and I am trapped in my own version of the Truman Show. 

Peace. Out!

*The Stranger Times would like to point out that the Earth is definitely an oblate spheroid.